Warden Tabris Hairstyles

i. today was supposed to be good. but it wasn't. soris told me that we were both to be married by the spring. to strangers. from highever. highever! i don't want to be married to anyone, let alone some stranger from highever! i thought about running away. i don't know how far i'd've gotten. soris says i wouldn't have made it past the gate into denerim. what does he know? i could have made it all the way to the dalish by now. but here i am. here i am. i...may have taken a knife. my mother's knife. and ruined my hair. hacked the front of it into something almost unsalvageable. probably stupid of me, and shianni laughed herself to sleep, but some part of me dreams that they'll look at me and push the wedding back. because they want me to look my best on my wedding day. maybe i'll cut my hair more tomorrow.

ii. everything hurts. i can't see out of my left eye. it's swollen. all i have is the bow i stole, and my wedding dress. shianni made it. i can't sew. she sat with me and sewed every stitch of it, and now it's torn and covered in blood and - the grey warden offered me his cloak, and is looking for some sort of plant to take the pain away. elfroot, i think. i don't know. i don't even know what that looks like in nature, just what it looks like in the general store. like that'll help me now. shianni was hurt. shianni was hurt, and it was my fault i didn't get there sooner. nelaros - the man i was to marry - died. for me. it was my fault he died. i'm still holding the ring that was supposed to be mine. i should have dropped it. or sold it. since when do i care? i didn't want to marry him anyway. but...i still can't drop it. i can't make myself do it. he died because of me. i killed people today. i killed a lord, today! mother's probably laughing, wherever she is, because of course i did. i'm going to be a grey warden, now. she's probably doubled over.

iii. it's strange, leading. i never thought i'd do something like that, let alone lead a bunch of people through a blight and try and like, save the world. i don't think that's the average city elf's daydreams. but i'm...happy. even with everything that's happened. somehow. i'm happier than i've ever been. i have friends, unlikely, from everywhere and every walk, but we're still here, together. we've all lost things, but we all found things too. it's more like family than i've ever felt. sometimes i wish shianni could be here. i wouldn't wish being a warden on anyone, but i wish she were here with me, sometimes. she would love it. she would tease alistair with morrigan and zev, even though i don't think she'd mean it. and i think he'd know that. ...leliana is humming as she sets up her bedroll. it's pretty. i'd forgotten i cared for music until her. she understands why i still wear nelaros' ring on a chain. she braided some ribbons into my hair. she says it looks 'festive'. it's nice to smile.

iv. i don't sleep well these days, what with the archdemon. every time i close my eyes, there it is, and leliana isn't getting much sleep either, from having me jolt awake every few minutes. she deserves better. i would do anything to give her better. this blight must end. i've got to end it. no matter what that means for me. it will stop the dreams, either way, and either way, it'll give her a better life. with less danger. it will give all of my friends that. it will give everyone that. i'll do it for them. i'll do whatever it takes.

v. honestly? i'm tired of this grey warden shit. not that i have a choice. but i'm sick and tired of it. is it too much to ask for, just a bit of quiet? 

vi. i'm going to orlais. i've never been there, actually - not for anything other than warden business. leliana would say it wasn't truly orlais, where i went, what i saw. it wasn't alive like val royeaux. i've only ever heard stories of it. but i'm to see it soon. i'm to see her soon. divine victoria, actually, but she's leliana. i hope she is. her letters tell one story about missing me. but what if things have changed? they haven't for me. but things have changed for her so much over the last ten, eleven, twelve years. she's dealt with so much. what if things have changed?

~O~

"what did you do to your HAIR?"

she's still my leliana. she won't stop touching it. i cut it short, and she's not sure whether she should be appalled or delighted. i guess we'll see what happens. she'll have to decide how she feels about it eventually, because i'm not leaving her side ever again. 


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based on imgur.com/59SxCU5